I will say upfront that I have blown it and blown it badly on most of these points. And it has hurt! And I regret it because I don’t know what is more important than friendship, besides your relationship with yourself. Good friends see you through it all! Invest in them! Invest in more than one! I notice quit a bit that people in their thirties stop making new friends and let other friendships die out in favor of family and career. Don’t let that happen to you! You will probably quit your job at some point and divorce is a strong probability. Friendship will be what is there for you in those times. But only if you do it well and don’t take it for granted. This topic is so important to me that not only is it the longest, but I already know I will add to it and hope you will too.
1. Keep your commitments. Be on time. Return phone calls. Don’t flake on her for a “better” opportunity. Just don’t be that person. And don’t borrow her stuff and not give it back! If you ruin it, replace it. This all seems so basic. But I know people who have these elements together when it comes to jobs, but then roll over their friends like it is nothing. And this might be acceptable all the way through your early twenties…but be warned! They are bad habits to lie down. And by your late twenties no one has time for this nonsense. People flake on me one time and then we are pretty much done. And I’m not waiting for you for more than ten minutes. Sorry, but if you read list #4 you know how fabulous I think I am and I really only take time for people who respect that, as I will them.
2. Drive them to the airport, water their plants, help them move, offer to bring them orange juice when they are sick. Make the time. If you don’t go out of your way every once and a while for a friend, guess what? You probably aren’t really friends. There are lots of people I adore that I don’t do these things for, they are just wonderful people in my life who I really appreciate. But friendship should be inconvenient once in a while. Mutual need is completely human. And you know what is amazing? It feels good to do things for other people. Yes, yes it does. As long as they aren’t the narcissists described in list #4.
3. Do not to emphatically support your friend’s negative talk about their boyfriend! Just listen to them vent and say things like, “Oh my god, that must be so annoying!” But do not, DO NOT, start agreeing that you have noticed these bad things too or add additional negative information about him! When she is back in love it will turn in to “Well, you never liked him anyway…” All of a sudden she will see you as an enemy of the relationship. Also, and this is really hard, try not to hate him! Even if he is evil incarnate and you are appalled by how she is being treated, hating him will not help. It will isolate you from her. It is horrifying to watch a friend being mistreated. But it is also horrifying to be in the middle of a hard situation and feel that your friends are judging you. Instead, resort to platitudes like “I am sure you are going to find your way through this” “you have to do what is right for you.” Just support her process, which is all we can ultimately do for each other anyway. If she asks you point blank, “Should I break up with him?” Try a “Every relationship has its lessons we have to learn, and when you have learned what you are suppose to I’m sure you will be ready to leave.” It is tacitly saying eventually the relationship will end and that he is not the one, but it is also supporting her if she stays. I know this seems lame and cliché, but love is stronger than anger. And if she loves him she will figure out a way to stay waaaaayyyy longer than you think she should. And when they do break up, REMEMBER, it is only their first break up. A first break up is nothing. I don’t start paying attention till around break up number three. This advice only applies to regular boyfriend assholory. If he is beating her, a serial cheater, pathological liar, doing drugs, or is a criminal, see number 4.
4. If your friend is with a guy that is beating her, a serial cheater, pathological liar, doing drugs, or is a criminal say to her, “I am so worried about you and I just can not support this relationship. But I support you and will do anything I can to help you get out of this relationship. But until you are ready to do that, let’s agree to not talk about it. It will just hurt our friendship.” She will probably stop hanging out with you. And that is totally fine. While she is in a relationship with someone deeply troubled she is committing herself to being negatively changed. It is a bummer, to say the least. But if she gets out, you will be right there. If she doesn’t, you have saved yourself a lot of heartache and wasted time. This may sound cold. But I think you are on this planet to better yourself and by doing so your example will positively affect others. That is how we can be helpful, be the microcosm of change. Listening to abuse stories is not helpful to anyone. The only exception I can think of is when someone is unclear that they are being abused. Then defiantly validate that reality for them. “Sweetie, I just want you to know that I consider the behavior you are describing abuse. Abuse can be so reality warping. I am so worried about you…, etc.” Then head on out. And I will say I do have one friend I am still in contact with who I would say is in an abusive relationship and we have agreed not to talk about it. My hope is that in connecting with the positive, strong aspects of who she is those qualities will be amplified and become the dominant force in her life.
5. While I advocate a sort of deception when it comes to offering an opinion about your friend’s boyfriends, I am a fan of friendship honesty when it comes to “Do I look fat in these jeans.” Hopefully she is with a man who lies to her as described in Relationship Tips for Men. So now this is where you come in. TELL HER! If her blouse makes her look fat, say “I’m not sure that shirt flatters your boobs as much as it should.” Be nice, but be honest. EXCEPT for when she cuts off all her hair. When she has made a move that is NOT fixable, find a way to rally behind it. “You are so brave! It really takes strong feature like yours to be able to carry that off.” If it is horrible and she knows it, don’t try and convince her otherwise, but still support, “We can find some color and gel that will make this look work for you, don’t worry!”
6. When something feels off in your relationship, ask her about it. “Did I do something to upset you?” Again, I know this seems way too easy and obvious. But I spend a lot of time analyzing with my friends the whys about who is cranky with whom. And it seems rare for anyone to take the gentle but direct approach. If she gives you a cold no, then focus your energy elsewhere. It is all on her now. You have done enough. And if she gives you a reason as to why she is upset, well…here comes some more kindergarten wisdom for you:
Say sorry!
We all fall short in life. It isn’t really a big deal. We do the best we can and sometimes it isn’t quit enough. Making a mistake isn’t an indication of a lack of character, but not being able to take responsibility for it and to try and right it is. The other thing about it is, sorry is easy! They do not cost you anything. No one has ever gotten in trouble for saying sorry. It is true that we should always tell the truth, and saying sorry when you are not really sorry does seem a little dishonest. But I think people should error on the side of saying too many sorrys.
Keys to saying sorry:
a. Look people in the eye and say “I am so sorry. I definitely did not mean to inconvenience/hurt you. What can I do to repair this?” or “I truly apologize. I realize I said I would do something and didn’t live up to it. How can I fix this?” or if it is just a small thing “Oh my gosh…I am really sorry.”
b. Don’t offer any excuses. If people want to know why you messed up, they will ask. But if you say “Sorry, I hit some traffic” or “Sorry, I didn’t have time” or something like that, it sounds like you are blaming. It sounds like you are not taking responsibility for your behavior. It is better to just be sorry.
c. After you ask people how you can repair it, follow through on it. It will help your relationship and also help you change yourself. “Sorry” with no change in behavior isn’t really sorry.
d. DO NOT EVER SAY “I am sorry you feel that way.” Biggest bullshit saying there is. I hate equivocal apologies. Is your ego so brittle that you need to cling to some semblance of being right?
e. Say sorry when it isn’t even clear in your mind what you are sorry for. Get out of the realm of reason and into the world of emotions. Just know that this person you love is hurt and needs you to help heal it. On that level don’t you want to? And that isn’t lame. I think we have an American psychobabble driven ideal that tells us we should somehow get over our resentments towards people without them having to do anything to help repair the damage. Needing a sorry from someone in order to move on with your friendship is not a sign of personal weakness. Being unwilling to suck it up and do what is necessary to repair a friendship is.
7. Don’t be a know-it-all. I was raised by a health food enthusiast and am pretty sure that my mom has informed me of any and all knowledge pertaining to food science for the last thirty years. But who cares? When my friend decides to inform me about the B vitamins in Brewer’s Yeast, something known to me since I was preverbal, I just let them go on with their enthusiasm. And don’t do some slyly competitive nonsense like trying to come back with a fact about the body’s absorption ability when it comes to B vitamins. I hate it when people trade competitive barbs while pretending it is civil conversation! This applies to EVERYTHING! You friend just got turned on to Against Me!? Don’t inform her how awesome their concert was that you went to in 2004. It is not just competitive, but it is condescending as well. A “I love them too!” will suffice.
8. It is fantastic to find someone who really clicks with you and with whom you have a lot in common with. That is why it may be so surprising when all of a sudden they make a choice you totally disagree with or discover they stand opposite you on some issue. You’re what? Against gay marriage? You are doing what? Moving to Phoenix? Just honor everyone’s path and be glad you are on your own. Don’t decide someone is making a “huge” mistake. How the hell do you know? Their big mistake may be the very decision that leads to the next amazing expansion in their life. One thing is certain; you don’t have a bird’s eye perspective. So shut up and just bless them. If they ask for your opinion on a choice, don’t take it as an opportunity to thrust your agenda. Encourage them to do what feels right for them. Again, THEIR path, not yours. This does not apply to a friend that has decided to become bulimic, start a criminal enterprise, shoot heroin, or live out her gang rape fantasy. In these instances apply “I am so worried for you…”
9. Can you be friends with straight boys? Is such thing possible? Of course! But here are some guidelines:
a. If you have a boyfriend and a boy friend, do not discuss your relationship problems to your boy friend to get a “male perspective.” It breads an unnecessary closeness that can be dangerous. Don’t go to him with your emotional downs, your boyfriend should have dibs on being your support. Try and keep that line straight. Guess how confusing it will be when your boyfriend breaks your heart and our boy friend says just the right thing to fix it? Boy friends are for talking to about football.
b. If you have a boyfriend, don’t spend a lot of one on one time with your boy friend. Be friends in groups, maybe text a little. But one on one time is designed to bread intimacy and may lead to a sudden unforeseen attraction. And by the way, boys don’t usually go out of their way to spend a lot of alone time with female friends who have boyfriends. There is a guy code about that. So if he is not obeying the guy code, he is either in love with you and can’t help himself or doesn’t care about the code. And if he doesn’t care about the code, it might be an indication that there are other moral guidelines he is happy to ignore. It could come back to haunt you.
c. If you know, YOU KNOW, you would never be attracted to your boy friend, don’t spend one on one time with him EVEN if you do not have a boyfriend. You are leading him on. I don’t care if you “told him.” And if you get to a point where you are fairly certain he IS in love with you, seriously regulate how much interaction you have with him. Have a heart. Don’t have him bring you orange juice when you’re sick because you know he would. That is for your girlfriend to do!
d. If you are attracted to your boy friend, and you do not have a boyfriend nor does he have a girlfriend, wait for a second, maybe a full month. Make sure it is not a passing chemical thing. And then…DO spend one on one time with him. What are you waiting for? Are you afraid of ruining the “friendship?” I’m sorry, odds are it will be ruined one day anyway. Probably by either you or him coupling up with other people who are not fond of your closeness. There is not a lot of longevity to intimate male-female friendships. How many thirty-year-old people do you know who talk on a weekly basis with a cross gender friend that they met in college? I can’t think of one. It is worth the risk to go for it!
e. If you are attracted to a boy friend who has a girlfriend….don’t let him process his relationship issues with you for a “female perspective.” I know it seems helpful. But he has a mother and maybe a sister. You don’t want to be accused of trying to break them up when you end up with him later. That’s right, you know you will. And if you don’t, well, you are going to end up feeling used if you are in love with your friend and are helping him be in love with someone else. And by the way, if he leaves her for you, and you have played by the rules, so what? They were dating! People take dating so seriously these days. I think dating is the time where you are allowed to change your mind, no?
10. Can you be friends with couples? Yup, you sure can, with one of them. Be friendly with both of them, but know which one of them is your friend. That is the person who gets to have you as their safe sounding board when they are fighting with their mate. They should have the security of knowing you aren’t transmitting that information to the very person they are fighting with in an attempt to “help.” And when they break up? You go with them. And I can not think of a case when tenure isn’t the deciding factor here. Whomever you were friends with first gets to have your allegiance.
11. Don’t burn out your friends talking about the same thing over and over. Have several friends and spread it around. Write in your journal. Something! You would appreciate the same from your friends, no? But we have to have some tolerance with each other. I had a friend try and call me out about not wanting to hear about my blah blah issue anymore and I had to kindly remind her that we have been talking about her carb addiction for ten years. Life is repetitive and sometimes we have to feign interest in shit we are truly bored with. Provided they are doing the same for you!
12. What is friendship loyalty? So so much.
a. If you have two friends that are fighting do you have to choose sides? No, if you are friends with them equally and their fight is stupid. Then you can say to each of them individually, “You are both being stupid and I’m not going to talk to either one of you about it.” In this way you are being loyal to both of them.
b. If you have two friends and one of them has done something overtly wrong towards the other one (I mean really wrong, stealing boyfriend wrong) I would caution against a passive “That sucks you too are having issues.” That is actually a tacit endorsement of the aggressor even though it sounds fair. It isn’t the truth! They are not having issues! One of them has behaved badly and the other one is understandably hurt and deserves your loyalty. It doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk to the other one. Just tell the aggressor, “Of course we are still friends but I need you to know I don’t like that you hurt so and so.” Then be sure so and so knows you have told the other girl this and that you are appalled by her behavior. I would then be careful not to rub it in your hurt friend when you do have, hopefully limited, contact with the friend who has done wrong. See the thing is, taking sides doesn’t mean that you have to treat the un-choosen side poorly. We can love people and let then know we don’t agree with their behavior. Also, in many instances not taking sides is a sort of psychological violence to the victim. It is like saying, I am your friend, but only if it means I don’t have to stand up for you in hard times and that thing that happened to you, it is kinda your fault anyway, right? If I had a dollar for every bad friend who implied that I somehow brought negativity down on myself instead of just standing by me and saying “They suck!” …. well, I would have more dollars than I care to admit. If your friends won’t have your back in hard situations then they don’t really have your back at all. My best friends remember the people who have mistreated me and are less forgiving than I am. And I feel the same way about them
c. If someone has been hurtful to one of your friends and you are not friends with them, don’t ever have anything to do with them. If you are loyal to your friend, you don’t go snuggling up to people who have hurt her. I don’t care that the aggressor never did anything to you. She hurt your friend and that should be enough to disqualify her from the list of potential friends. I don’t care if she is pretty and rich and going to pamper your ass. Loyalty implies sacrifice. If loyalty were easy, everyone would be doing it. Loyalty means doing things that are hard, that are uncomfortable, because you care more about your friend’s feelings than you do your own ease.
d. If your friend starts engaging in morally questionable behavior (cheating on a boyfriend, experimenting with drugs) yes, you should be loyal to her. Again, you can lovingly let them know you aren’t thrilled with their choice (don’t have that judgmental tone, you aren’t perfect, are you?) and then just keep being a friend. I bet we can all think back on a time when we were being a jerk and aren’t you glad for the people that were willing to be a loving ear? If they are the person of quality you first adored, they will work through it. Probably.
e. If you suspect your friend’s boyfriend is cheating, say nothing. If you KNOW…well, I suggest going to him. Don’t be emotional and just inform him of what you know, don’t give him a chance to “explain” and just tell him you are in an uncomfortable position and he has 48 hours to truth talk to your friend. Again, loyalty is not for the weak.
13. Be forgiving. If they blow it, and feel bad about it, just love them. But don’t keep being forgiving when they are just “sorry” and do it again later. There are better people around than that.
No comments:
Post a Comment