1. Those five thousand girl movies about the dangers of “losing” yourself in a man are the realness! You are allowed three months to lose yourself in a relationship and then it is back to being full and complete in and of yourself. He is isn’t a complimentary accent to your already fulfilling life, and is instead what makes it seem full, then immediately take some time to invest in your own interests. Stop being so available for him. Go make some art, get pounded by the surf, hike a mountain, hell, put on some loud music and scrub your floor…something consuming enough that you take a break from energetically investing in him. Do this often. And remember, the moment you want to buy tomatoes but don’t because he doesn’t like tomatoes, you have just thrown a piece of your spirit out the window. It seems like a small thing. But one day you will have to go get all of the pieces you have thrown out back. Better to not have thrown them out in the first place. You can be vulnerable without letting your being become a porous mess. Eventually no one, not yourself and not him, will respect the porous mess.
2. You, being female, will interpret things he does as a metaphor for a larger dynamic. Him forgetting to compliment you, go to the store, the date you set up….whatever… becomes an indication of his loss of interest, his passive aggressive nature, etc. Decoding this is a fun game to play with your girlfriends, but dangerous as you come to believe these “truths” you have discovered. He will interpret things literally. Him forgetting is simply that, him forgetting. Side step these fights. He will not understand your point! He does not see what the big deal is! Do not lay on him your decoded conspiracy theory. A “Babe, it bummed me out that you forgot…” in a neutral tone will suffice. Hopefully he is trained in restoration tactics and fixes it promptly. No fight necessary!
3. Don’t have seriously relationship discussions after 10 pm.
4. PMS is real! No relationship discussions for two days prior to your period and the first day of.
5. If married or living together, consider separate bedrooms. It supports the no discussions after 10pm rule and the goal of individual sovereignty. Plus, you know a good way to not care about his socks on the floor? Don’t have that floor be your bedroom.
6. Speaking of socks, don’t do his laundry. Early on when you are in love, you want to do everything for him don’t you? I bet you want to make lunch for him and bring it to his work, don’t you? Well, don’t. Chances are he works and you work. It is too easy to, out of the amazing gift of female love, fall into a foundational arrangement of taking on more than your share of the housework. It will be a hard pattern to break later on. And men are not bad for letting you do this for them, don’t demonize them once the glow has faded and you are in desperate need of help. You did this to you. You just didn’t care when you were mixing the cement and pouring it into the scaffolding.
7. Here is my mother’s sex talk to me, sum total one sentence. “The only reason you should ever have sex is because you want to.” Period. This is the worst way you can throw a bit of you spirit out the window. And if you are with this otherwise great guy, but in this area he seems to think it if fine to require/guilt you to be sexual when you don’t feel like it…smack this tendency down immediately. If he has the audacity to persist…see ya later. And at least you will have made a stand for the next girl. Can you imagine what type of training we could accomplish if we all worked together? Also, this is another excellent reason to have separate bedrooms. He can go enjoy his own self.
8. Another note on sex…after the “in love” thing fades away. There is basically one thing that is different between the way you love him and the way you love, say, your best friend. That one thing is sex. Just don’t bother being with someone whom the sex is not great with and for whom you are not very attracted to. At one very rough point in my marriage an old wise man told my husband “Have lots of sex! It is how you find your way back to each other.” That I think husband is hot, even when I don’t like him…it goes a long way. While you can’t build a relationship on sex, I’m not sure you can have a great relationship without great sex. It is called a sexually relationship for a reason. And, the good ones are trainable. So if you give up prior to a real “getting to know you” effort, the blame is on you. If he is not interested in being informed on how you tick (mandatory you know this information about your own self) then move on. Move on before you find yourself forty, boobs in your armpits, staring at the ceiling, bored out of you mind.
9. If a guy uses a “your crazy!” tactic in fighting with you, don’t put up with it. It is an old, mean, boy trick to try and get females to doubt their reality. Your intuition is amazing and doing it the disservice of not trusting it will harm your ability to use this six sense, your most valuable asset. That said, don’t lead with your freaking chin. If you are upset, sleep on it (cuz you have your own bed), make sure you still care about the issue in the morning, and then address it in a non-hysterical way. Did you know the root word of hysterical is hyster, Latin for uterus (think hysterectomy). The word was invented to discredit woman. In this culture, things are heard better if not seeped in emotion.
10. Use kind words. Do you ever watch happily married couples that have been together forever? They speak very kindly to each other. They praise each other in public and don’t speak ill of each other in mixed company. “Dear, can you be an angel and pass the salt.” The “dear” and the “angel” might be the difference between keeping the love going or not. Husband starting talking to me this way around year 9. “Baby, do you know how sometimes you don’t really see the parking space because of you eyesight? I think you parked in our neighbor’s spot,” in soft, sweet, tones does nothing to dampen our love. A sharp “You gotta go move your car” does. Words have power and you can use them to strengthen your bond in even the most banal, everyday interactions. Or to diminish it. Do you hear that gooey baby talk that Khloe Kardashian uses to talk to Lamar? She might be a genius.
11. Learn to watch football, or something equivalent. Have a common point of excitement between you, hopefully several. And football is fantastic! My point in this is that you can cultivate common interests. You don't have to surrender to "we have nothing in common." People change over the years, so constantly being able to change together and having the flexibility to adapt to new interests is a fantastic interests. I genuinely believe my husband likes going to museums now and I have a fantasy league and bookie. And then also stand back and observe the rule of autonomy.
12. Your boyfriend/husband is not your best friend. That is just something cutesy that people say. You need far more talk/processing than your boyfriend/husband is interested in. Don’t set yourself up for feeling rejected by constantly trying to get him to respond to you like a girl. And on a side note, doesn’t over process your stuff. My rule is when I have a problem I get to talk to three of my girlfriends and then I shut up about it, and my husband is not one of those three (if he asks, of course I’ll tell him anything) You are just making it more and more of a concrete problem in your life if you keep bringing it back up. After talking to three of your closest, most helpful friends (or two and your mother, as I do frequently), it crosses the line from being helpful into gossip and making a mountain out of what is probably a mole hill.
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