List #2 A Relationship Guide for Men

A Relationship Guide for Men... to my future son-in-law

Hey men, I love you. That is why I give you this. I am not trying to beat up on you. I just desperately want to make relationships easier for you. And please…these tips only apply is you are with a healthy female. If she dresses like a tramp, goes to a bar and struts around, then expects you to fight when she gets hit on…well, there are just so many things about that scenario that disqualify her from these tips.

1.    When a woman falls in love with you it is completely. It is like this amazing flower blooming in your direction. All you have to do is water it— just even a little bit— once and a while. If you tend to it, it will bloom and bloom.  But if you leave it alone, it will wilt and became a bitter fruit. How do you water it? Unlike adventure movies, romantic comedies are—in a sense—reality.  Give a girl some freaking flowers—and good ones! (stay away from carnations, daisies are iffy, and roses can be cliché). You can also do things like notice that her car safety inspection is out and go do it for her.  If the division of labor means that she already expects you to do this, then it doesn’t count.  This is where men blow it, doing your part is NOT watering the flower! You have to do something unexpected…but it can be small. What is so sad is that men don’t realize how big the payoff is for even the smallest gesture and end up cheating themselves, and the relationship. This is your real power in the relationship. You water a little and regularly and she will not care if you go out with your friends. She will not care if you want to watch ESPN all day.  She will be loving, loyal, and giving of herself for 27 beautiful days out of the month.

2.    Compliment! God, I feel so silly even having to write any of this! I feel like there is a wave of cultural information telling you the same thing! So why are so many of my male friends immune? Do you think your girl is different? Do you think your relationship is different? It isn’t! Of course you told her she was beautiful in the third week, and month two, and maybe over and over again in the first six months. You are not done now. There is not a debt that needs to be paid and once it is you are in the black. No. You are ALWAYS in the red. And if you stop telling her how beautiful and amazing she is, you are wilting the flower, buddy!

3.    Please refer to my relationship guide for women. Note number two. This is very important. When she is upset most of the time it is a cover, a tip of the iceberg if you will, for something else. If it isn’t, and she is really just only upset that you forgot the blah blah blah, well, if you handle this badly it can be turned into being upset about something else very very easily. So in order to be self protective and protective of the relationship, diffuse the bomb. Do it in the following manner. HER “Do you realize you da da da?” YOU: “Oh my god, babe. I am so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. What can I do to make it up to you?” Do not explain why you blew it. Your “defense” will make you look more guilty. And here is the thing, here is the really big thing to absorb down deep into you bones. IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE RIGHT! This not a game of logic. If you are right on the cover issue, you are not right about the metaphor she has constructed around the cover issue. If there is not yet a metaphor constructed, and you try to offer a defense, she will construct one in which you are wrong. So why bother? Be wrong from the beginning about the small thing, so you circumvent the iceberg that could bring down your titanic. Be wrong, be sorry. All men in long successful relationships know this. The trick is to know that being wrong does not in anyway encroach on your masculinity. Think of it as, I am man enough to be wrong without it affecting my masculinity and therefore I am able to give my girlfriend /wife what she needs and that is manly (something like that). And another key to this, you don’t have to even understand what she is talking about. When she is upset, just be wrong, immediately! You don’t have to know what you are wrong about! Remember, in her mind, you are anyway! She starts to say “Its just that every time…” don’t think! Don’t try to explain! None of it. The time frame is crucial to diffuse the bomb. Train yourself to hear the tone, and then be wrong and be sorry.

4.    Dude, she doesn’t look fat in those jeans! Again with the obvious. My husband has been lying to me consistently for years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some things she just can’t hear from you and hopefully she has a kind friend that tells her the truth. But don’t let that person be you. Her hair looks amazing short. You love the way her body looks pregnant and you don’t even notice the stretch marks. Contact or glasses? She looks beautiful either way. And you LOVE THE WAY HER ASS LOOKS IN THOSE JEANS. Don’t let her trick and lie her way into getting you to validate her insecurities. Never ever. I know my husband is lying, and it may irritate me from time to time when I really do want an honest opinion, but overall, I really appreciate it.  You can’t water the flower when she is in that place, but you sure as hell can wilt it.


5.    There is one proper response when she comes to you with some sort of problem from her day, “Oh my god, babe, I am so sorry that happened to you.” Then maybe an arm around her shoulder, some sort of, dare I say it, “daddy” like physical behavior. She wants empathy. She doesn’t want a solution (de-train yourself from thinking you could be practically helpful here. You’re needed help comes in the form of the nebulous “being there” for her) . She defiantly doesn’t want to hear “well, maybe what he/she was thinking was that…” And never ever ever take the side of the aggressor, even if it’s your mother. You don’t even say something like “You gotta understand, that is just the way blank is, they didn’t mean anything by it.” Maybe a true statement. In the ears of an upset female it sounds like you are making excuses for them. Stick with, “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Then shut up and let her whine. She will fix it in her own way.  If she is complaining about a boss/best friend, do not start hating them for what she is saying. Do not make statements that reinforce that this person sucks. She will make up with them and hold what you said about her very best friend in the whole world against you. How could you even say that about her? You can majorly water the flower in these situations if you do it right, and you can dehydrate it horribly.

6.    When it comes to sex, figure out early on what makes her tick and then know that everything else is subject to change. There will most likely be a basic formula that works for her, but the particulars will have to be ironed out on an as you go basis. Be flexible and have a repertoire at your command. If this is bothersome to you, remember that her cervix is physically in a different place everyday as is her hormonal balance and that might be a little bothersome to her! If she has the maturity to be sensitive and honest enough to know how these shifts affect her desires then you should be happy. You are not with an insecure, immature, dishonest female.  You are with an actual woman in the truest sense of the word, the only kind that you can have a truly authentic sexual journey with. And when it comes to sex? Talk about watering the flower!


7.    One more note on sex, and it sucks. It sucks for her and it sucks for you. Like it or not, the statistics simply are that some jerk has already damaged this woman you are now with. I’m not crazy about the word damaged, but in this instance it is apt. And I don’t even mean, necessarily the horrible rape or incest variety. Even if she bypassed that “norm”, and it is nearly a numerical norm, simply having a female body in this culture has opened her up to a bombardment of leering, comments, physical rejections and on and on. Please let this sad fact do two things for you: 1. Give you some empathy to her whimsy. 2. Motivate you to police your fellow men. It is much more effective to have men self police then to expect women to police male conduct. We have ten different horrible names we call a girl who stands up to a guy who is out of line. We have one for a guy that stands up to an errant male and it is hero.

8.    An additional p.s.s. note on sex. Even though number seven is the realness, your girlfriend/wife totally wants you to throw her up against a wall every once and a while. Don’t let that sensitivity emasculate you. She is a heterosexual female after all. Alan Alda and John Stewart are not sex symbols.

9.    I have to write a disclaimer to number 5 that relates to 7.  There is one time where “I’m so sorry that happened to you” is not enough. In the event that another male is being aggressive with your girlfriend/wife you should at least posture like you are going to do something about it. Asking, “Do you want me to do something about it?” isn’t really good enough. That translates as “I’m not really upset by this but recognize I may be obligated to respond.” Getting immediately out of control is not a great alternative either. Some display of moderate anger and informing her of your plans of a mature intervention are. I know this sucks for you. But it really sucks to be a female that is being bullied as well. Look at this as your chance to be her freaking hero. And it shouldn’t matter if it is your best friend that you need to confront. Fail at this and there is almost no repair. On a very primal level why would we be with a man that doesn’t have our back? Are they going to protect our young? Are they going to fight off rivals? Isn’t this what every Animal Kingdom episode is about? You need to demonstrate a mature version of this animal instinct that need not be violent. But if you aren’t willing to stand up for her? Ouch.

10.    You can debate me on this one, but from what I see, you have two years to propose. You can stay engaged a real long time. But if you want the proposal to be a water the flower moment, you are working with a time frame.  Longer than two years and she begins to think, why hasn’t he proposed?

11.    Support her in all her whims and don’t use logic to explain to her why it won’t work. You are going to start making jewelry? Fantastic! Thinking about writing a book? It will be a best seller! You want to mortgage the house and travel in Madagascar? That sounds so exciting! Let’s look into it! If she has these types of ideas it means she is vibrant, creative, and inspired by life. Don’t be Captain Kill Joy with your “what about the kid’s schooling” and “who is going to make the car payment.” Shut up! You aren’t moving to Madagascar. She is just having a moment, support it and water the freaking flower! And “I didn’t tell you not to do it” is not support and will not be an adequate defense for later on when she is pissed you didn’t support he! And don’t give her permission. She doesn’t need it. Just encourage her. Support her all of her crazy (if she really is bipolar this doesn’t apply). You want to know the truth? If she isn’t having these kinds of thoughts it is probably for two reasons: 1. She is depressed. 2. She is already living in a way that diversely stimulates her physiological needs. That scrapbooking room is not a waste of space (ok, it may be. But you have to let her get to that on her own).

12.    Refer to my relationship guide for females and know that 3, 4 and especially 10 also apply to you. I just geared them to females because I find them frequently to be the culprit in those areas. And make special note of 9 and delete “you are being/acting/are crazy” from something you say.