List #4 People to Spend Your Time With

List #4 People to spend your time with
Who is worth hanging out with? The answer…not everyone!

There are a couple ways that I evaluate people, decide if they are worthy of being in my “inner circle.” These things I generally try and assess in a person early on. It is not like I cut people off if they don’t pass the test. I have lots of people in my life that fall short in one of these areas. However, my close friends, the people that I invest time in and go to when I need support, pass the test with flying colors. People that don’t, I try to be reasonable about my expectations of them. If they have already shown me who they are, then I shouldn’t set myself up to be “surprised” and disappointed by their behavior.

Some of my criteria include:

1. Do they have a mean streak? Do they do things that are deliberately hurtful to others? If they are willing to hurt others, ultimately they will end up being cruel to you. Everybody has a tick, a bit of darkness. But not everybody acts on it in a way that inflicts harms. Note, there is a big difference between someone that assertively stands up for themselves and ends up inadvertently hurting others and someone who aggressively steps on other peoples’ toes (be assertive, don’t be aggressive). It really isn’t everyone who is willing to behave in a way that they know will hurt someone. Some people just go to the gym or watch reality TV and eat pasta when they are angry or depressed. In a sense, I feel bad for the meanies (and work really hard to make sure I don’t become like them). If they are habituated to lashing out, then they will ultimately hurt and drive away the very people they want around. But it isn’t worth it to stick by them and see if you are going to be the exception, or God forbid, if you can help them. Puke. You can’t. And it isn’t your job. It is your job to surround yourself with people who don’t hurt you. There is a great saying, “go where the love is.” And do. Let yourself be drawn to the people who are loving and kind. Unfortunately for me, a lot of my life I would take those kind of relationships for granted and instead spend all my energy on the people that were not nice, then nice, then not nice again. I felt compelled to “stabilize” these relationships, or “work through our issues.” There is no such thing as working through issues with someone who is cruel. Think cliché about tortoise and the scorpion. Think cliché about pearls and swine. 

2. Ask yourself, are they primarily selfish? When you guys talk, do they make sure and take the time to ask about and show interest in your life? Even if they are really smart and funny, if they only talk about themselves then you are better off just being casual friends. These types of narcissists are some of my favorite people! I like talking to them at parties! I like going out to group meals together! Their energy is so focused on themselves and getting others to be focused on them, that they can be highly entertaining. They have polished their act!  However, if you try and include them in your inner circle ultimately you will end up being disappointed that they do not reciprocate the attention you give to them. But remember, 99 percent of the people you meet are NOT going to make it into your inner circle! There is nothing wrong with holding people at an appropriate distance. Some of the people I have enjoyed the most in my life I have had no intimacy with at all. The narcissists (and I mean this in a nonclinical sense of the word) are just tricky because they are so dazzling that you want them close. But it will be a waste of your time. Better off taking that energy and being alone to develop some of your own qualities. A majority of the qualities I have that I like about myself came about by making good use of the time I had when in forced isolation for one reason or another. If I had always been able to surround myself with people, I would have failed in turning myself into my very favorite person in the whole world. And since I now am my very favorite person, I am never bored or lonely. I am always highly entertained by who I am. Does that make me a narcissist? No. Because I am so in love with myself that I don’t need anybody else to be. When I am with other people I don’t need the flattery of their gaze because my own self-referential loop is perfectly pleasing on its’ own. I think this is what the cliché you have to “love yourself” is all about.

3. Are they capable of taking responsibility for their behavior? When they discuss their life, do they blame others for the negative things that happen to them or do they seek out ways to see how they have contributed to the situation? Blamers will have a hard time growing as people because they are not interested in self-reflection, which will end up making them a bad friend. Watch for things like this, when they do something that inconveniences you, do they say sorry and express regret or do they offer excuses? Do they just try and pretend like it didn’t happen? Do they try and turn it around on you? Think about what my hero Joe Strummer said, "When you blame yourself, you learn from it. If you blame someone else, you don't learn nothing, cause hey, it's not your fault, it's his fault, over there."

4. Do they bring out something in yourself that you like? We are not these static beings that remain unaffected by those around us, no matter what the American hype about individuality is. The people we surround ourselves with will amplify certain parts of who we are. One of my favorite quotes is from Aristotle Onassis.  Someone asked him what he would do if he lost his money and he replied, “I would go live in a garage in the richest neighborhood I could find.” He understood that you will acquire what you surround yourself with. If you want to be an artist, have artist friends. If you want to be spiritual, have spiritual friends. And don’t be afraid to have these people be better than you in these areas. Left to your own, your progress will be slow. But if you immerse yourself in what desire to become, it will happen quickly. And that is again why it is so important that you follow tip number 1. Because if you hang out with mean people, you will be mean (applies also to drug addicts, thieves, etc.). Think cliché about don’t hang out in a barbershop if you don’t want a haircut. I know…you think you are stronger than that, we all do. We even think we are being virtuous when we look past these obvious flaws in people to see their vulnerable humanity. Everyone is just being so judgmental and don’t know the real them, right? Well…pull out the picture of me in handcuffs in the back of the NYC police van and know that that was my thought process too. Go find people who when you are in their presence you feel challenged! These are not inner-circle, support friends because they probably aren’t really your peer (maybe they are older then you or you know them only in a professional context).  But go find people that intimidate you with their awesomeness! Go find people that when you are with them, you may feel slightly less than…but when you leave their company you are inspired! And then, when you grow past them, and they fall off their throne, be grateful to them. Don’t be disappointed in who they “really” are.  Don’t feel disappointed because you “thought they were someone else.”  You are only now in a position to see their flawed humanity because they assisted you in your own growth. Have some class and just be appreciative.


5. Are they boring? Don’t hang out with people that bore you. If they are not stimulating in some way, you are better off alone (developing qualities, etc.). It doesn’t mean anything except that you guys are not a match. Don’t be so desperate for company that you squander your time with people whose only real asset is that they are breathing in and out. Don’t hang out with people because you “feel sorry for them.” That is condescending! Let them be alone so they can find people they do match up with. But in a purely social setting, you can still be very, very kind. Being kind is not an invitation for further friendship. It is just being kind. They will not sneak their way into your inner circle just because you take a minute to ask how they are. Still, don’t let that turn into lunch.