List #6 Truth in and the Misuse of New Age Psychobabble and Worn Out Clichés

List #6 Truth in and the Misuse of New Age Psychobabble and Worn Out Clichés

Choosing a paradigm through which to view your experience is a crucial ingredient to how fulfilling your life is going to be. The key world there is choosing. We all usually arrive at a paradigm through passive means; receive it from parents, TV…whatever. But as a fully formed human subject you are afforded the opportunity to craft a worldview. True, certain brain habits are hard to break, but that is all they are, a habit. Possibly your highest gift as a human is the ability to interpret and frame what happens to you. And guess what, choosing nihilistic objectivism grounded in rationality is just that, a choice. It is no more noble or intelligent than anyone else’s. That’s a tough thing to say in the face of Scientology and Creationism. However, remember that a hundred years ago the objective rationalist believed that they could cure female hysteria by removing a bone from the nose, as the nose was metonymically linked to the vaginal canal. That’s right, you heard correct. Doctors were disfiguring womens faces in an effort to alter what was going on with their uterus's… and that was considered sound science. My point here is not that current science should be treated skeptically. No! My point is that skepticism should be treated skeptically! All we can really be sure of is that picking a paradigm is a choice and this decision will greatly determine the quality of your life. So let’s see what we can learn from the New Ager Psychobabblers. Keep in mind, my criteria for assessment is not veracity, it is whether or not the tenant makes me happy.

1.    The Universe is Benevolent.

Actually, that is not a saying that you hear very much. But I start with it because it is the underlying premise of a whole lot of other New Ageisms. If you do not, down deep, have an inner conviction that the universe is a benevolent place then nearly all New Age crap will sound like that to you, New Age crap. So is it benevolent? Well…I don’t think an objective answer is possible nor do I think it matters. You will be happier if you are able to achieve a deep felt belief in some intangible “good” that is pervading everything. You just will. So I encourage striving towards constructing that bedrock paradigm for yourself if you don’t have it already. I heard Alice Walker say once, in answer to the question is the world good, “Of course! How can you question it when you bite into a peach?” And yes, some contemplation on one peach, one peach tree, one small bit of earth can not fail to yield an astonishing conclusion about the undercurrent of pervasive good that is our immediate environment. And actually, over time I have become very disenchanted with people who insist on the horrible, degenerative state of the world and the evils of humanity. I have had to fight through these maladies myself, so I do understand. I will confess to being a young mother, gripped with a fear of Y2K (oh yeah!), storing water in my backyard, and planning how I would fight off the hungry mob so that my daughter could eat. The fear of the future was real and completely incongruent with my immediate life on the North Shore of Oahu.  While that is just a funny antidote, it is true that my default setting is to spin into darkness if I hear about, say, a twelve-year-old girl raped and murdered. However, even though I am familiar with having a firmly planted negative lens, I now believe worldly cynicism is a condition that must be fought through if one wants to be happy. Why I ultimately rejected negative posturing is that I became deeply rooted in being a phenomenologist (study of experience) and now see it as the only ethical paradigm through which to base your worldview. When I look at my history of cynicism and listen to others, a pessimistic worldview is usually generated NOT through an individual’s own direct experience with the world. It is usually compromised of negative news from media outlets or gestures to horrible things that have befallen people they know. But the cynics themselves have usually had lovely lives, maybe a parental divorce and a bad break up…but usually nothing so terrible. Hard-boiled cynics are also usually the same people who have traveled internationally, attended universities, and will be quick to tell you about the amazing cultural events they have attended. Do you know the percentage of the world population that attends college? 2 percent. So shut the hell up. And I have noticed that of the people I know who really have walked through hell on earth (and I consider several years of my own life to have been a diet version of hell), many of them tend to have emerged enthusiastic about life. One of the most positive people I know was locked in a house as a child and her father set fire to it. Another incredibly happy friend of mine was a thirteen-year-old prostitute in East LA. If they have found a way to believe in the benevolence of the universe, and you have not…well, then I think you just don’t want to. I think you are enjoying your own pessimism. Have at it. But I promise you, it is not serving you well.  Certainly there are people who are horribly damaged by their experience on the planet and I don’t mean to make light of that. But the truth is, that is not me and that is probably not you. So I can not see taking someone else's experience and using it as an ingredient from which to build your case that the world is a nihilistic void. To tell you the truth, I find that exploitive. Yes, you are exploiting other people’s experience in order to justify your own negativity. Don’t talk to me about global warming, overpopulation, war in the Congo, or teenagers raped in Alameda…make your case to me about how the universe is a neutral or even degenerating place based solely on your own life experience…and you know what, I bet you end up feeling like a whiner and I’m sure I will think you are one too.

2.    Everything Happens for a Reason.

If you have concluded that the universe is a benevolent place—and sometimes this is arrived at in the midst of incredible good things happening in your life—it is tempting to then leap to, “Wow! Everything happens for a reason!” I doubt it. I really really doubt it and think this is a bit dangerous. What I think is truer is “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I choke on that gooey cliché. However, WE can supply a purpose and a meaning to the events that occur in our life. You can break a leg in a freak accident and then use the recovery time to sulk OR to better yourself through, say, writing. But I don’t think you broke your leg for the REASON that you now write. I think you have made some goddamn lemonade and good for you. The danger of this one is when you are on a hot streak and everything seems to be falling into place…you feel the benevolence of the universe and everything is happening for a reason…well, in that state it is very easy to look at your friend, your co-worker, whomever, and say to them, as their kid has pneumonia and they can’t get childcare but if they stay home they won’t have enough money to pay the bills…”Well, everything happens for a reason!” Don’t be that person. I despise that person. Don’t use your hot streak as an excuse to exempt yourself from extending compassion. We are supposed to help each other in hard times, not be smug. Jesus, Mother Teresa, Buddha, the 14th Dalai Lama…whoever you respect…none of them said to look at your neighbor struggling and assure them that their life sucking is the best thing ever!  Another good one, and I have had this happen to me plenty, is when someone blows it and leaves you in a hard situation and then chirps, ”Everything happens for a reason.” Oh really? I agree. And right now there is a reason why I am cutting you out of my life. You. Are. Fired.

3.    You Create Your Own Reality.

Law of attraction falls in this category and all I can say is…beware of any totalizing, one note paradigms! I do think we create our own reality. We make choices. We have a certain energy we put out that through a reflexive feedback loop informs how others treat us. There is a high note of truth to this. People with victim consciousness tend to be victimized. People assured that they will succeed usually do. But if really push people who are die hard proponents of this one, they will have to resort to some interesting ideas such as “we made agreements before we were born to experience certain things” “you have karma from a past life.” It is not that I disagree with these ideas per see. And maybe sometimes, in some circumstances they can make you happier and therefore work with my non-veracity criteria. It is more that I am wary of these thoughts when they are used in an effort to uphold a simplistic notion such as “you create your own reality.” The danger of this misuse is that it can be used, once again, as an excuse to lack compassion for others. How cold it can be when in the midst of a something awful, you are informed that you have created your own reality. Your beloved pet just got hit by a car? You create your own reality. You were molested as a child? You create your own reality.  A startling example of this is in the realm of health. Simplistic New Age health states negative emotions will make you ill. Sure, I buy it. But I still cringe at the memory of a dear, sweet sister of a friend that died at nineteen by a particularly aggressive strain of breast cancer. Someone within our circle stated “She must have been very angry.” Yikes! New Agers, this type of thinking is just as idiotic as believing someone is going to hell because they have not been baptized. You are falling victim of the human need to theorize in a manner that makes you feel safe. As if you now understand enough about the complexities of life to guarantee your own safety. I assure you, you don’t and you won’t…ever. Let’s revel in the mystery rather than simplify it with idiocy.

4.    Follow Your Bliss

Yes! I barely need to equivocate with this one at all. If your heart leaps at the thought of traveling by yourself to Nicaragua…do it! If you find yourself entranced by postmodernism, go audit Avital Ronell’s classes at NYU! Whatever…don’t logic yourself away from pursuing ideas that, when thought upon, ignite some form of joy within you. In fact, make this the cornerstone of all life choices you make. Is it fun? No? Don’t do it!  Why people work jobs that aren’t fun is beyond me. People hate it when I say that and are quick to point out my killer job. True, but I also insisted upon it. And the shitty jobs I had, I made as fun as possible. And even my killer job isn’t fun every day…but it holds with it the potential to ignite within me that spark of joy.  Why do anything else? It is your freaking life. And the same is true of relationships. Is it fun? No? LEAVE. Relationships should be a good time! There are a couple “be carefuls.” I think the key is knowing what is the spark of joy and what is, say, lust. The misuse of this one is if you decide to leave your successful, loving marriage of ten years to “follow your bliss” with that hottie. Don’t “follow your bliss” away from you responsibilities. I don’t “follow my bliss” to go surfing when I need to be in class. The other big thing to be careful of is if you think your bliss is staying home and watching TV. If the only thing that you look forward to is some form of comfort…don’t follow that! Do something to make yourself UNCOMFORTABLE. Shake it up! Force yourself to go to Nicaragua. Inspiration can not get to you if you are working, then home to Grey’s Anatomy and maybe a movie Friday night. But hey, if a completely pedestrian suburban life leaves you fulfilled, satiated with a sense of well being…well, then I am completely thrilled for you. I bet your kids will love you and you will be an excellent parent. I just don’t know very many people that fall into that category (but I keep strange company). Overall, when I look at my life, everything that I have or that I enjoy about myself came as a direct result of me “following my bliss.” The times that have been hardest for me was when I had no idea what that was. No clue as to what would bring about a sense of fire within me. And I never got the clue for the next adventure by sitting at home. Home is a great place to go to after my latest adventure. It is a great place for planning my next one.

5.    We are all born with certain talents.

Or God gave each of certain gifts. Ideas of that ilk. True enough. Yes indeed, there are naturals to whom certain things come easier to. But as my favorite ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd says “Grinders win.” Tiger Woods worked harder than everyone else. Alex Rodriguez took more batting practice than the rest. Madonna worked night and day for decades. Black Square, the best band ever, practices every week. Plays the same damn songs over and over looking for ways to improve. Grit and determination make for greatness. Finding that part of yourself that will push and drive you to hone your craft when no one is looking and when you could be watching an entire season of Lost. Remember what my hero Joe Strummer said, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not. There is nothing more common then unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The world if full of educated derelicts. Persistence and Determination alone are Omnipotent.”  And another note on this, watch your gifts and don’t use them just because you have them. Don’t let them run you. I realized early on that I have the type of mind coupled with and external demeanor and bent towards polemical articulation that can be lethal in an argument or debate. I will win, I promise you. Is that a gift? Probably. Should I use it? It doesn’t feel that good when I do. Watch what “gifts” you are working on accentuating and see if they are really the parts of you that you want to grow. I know one person who is particularly competent in performing a certain task, but man does it bring out the worst in him. It can be seductive to advance the parts of yourself that comes easy, but it is not necessarily wise. Watch for it early and then try and mold away the edges  that snag you.

6.    Time Heals All Wounds

It certainly seems to be the case that in some instances time is the only thing that helps. In a crazy relationship? I know nothing but no contact for a long ass time that will get you out. Someone close to you die? The pain certainly dissipates as the months go by. But is there such a thing as really truly eradicating a deep wound? So many things I can point to and say yes, at this point in time, I truly no longer experience pain in association with that event. However, I am not sure that in on-going relationships you truly “get over” things completely. And I think if the standard is that you should “get over it”, watch out, it is a set up. Because maybe we are not emotionally wired that way. I liken my emotional setting to a computer screen. Let’s take for example my amazing husband, the love of my life, my partner for the last fifteen years. I have two files on my desktop/brain. One is titled “Husband is a Fantastic Guy!” the other one is titled “Husband is an Asshole.” And the thing is, I have fifteen years of evidence listed in each file. Like a computer screen, I can only see one file at a time. When “Husband is a Fantastic Guy “ is open, I notice elements to add to the file. When the mind has reached a conclusion it rushes to gather evidence to support it. Then something will happen and it triggers the opening of the file entitled “Husband is an Asshole.” This file completely covers the “Husband is a Fantastic Guy” file. I can not see the fantastic guy file at all! It is gone! All I am left with is this fairly lengthy list of evidence of the asshole and am now rushing to support this conclusion. When the wounds in the asshole file are open, they still hurt! Time is irrelevant! The key to negotiating this quandary is knowing, remembering, that the “Fantastic Guy” file exists and working to re-launch it. Never ever make a major relationship decision when the “Asshole” file is open! Work to close it and then see how you feel. If I can keep my good guy, my good life, my benevolent universe files open, then they become habit and the bad guy, sucky life, horrible world files stay buried deep. But for too much of my life I tried to problem solve with the negative files launched. I believed I could reconcile dark observations and formulate beneficial plans while mired in the muck. It took me a long time to be convinced to my core that nothing good comes from hanging out with the negative files open. When you’re doing that you are strengthening their position. Better to grab what information is really needed from them and address it when the positive files are open. And how I switch files is not by saying, while angry “Husband is Fantastic!” and trying to get myself to believe it. Rather, I drop the subject completely and go do something I enjoy. It’s hard, because there is energy in anger. Righteous woundedness has a certain vitality to it that seems to beckon to you with a whisper and suggest “This is right, this is the truth. Stay here with me and we will get justice and it will feel good.” I don’t know that it works out that way. It is just a lie that is going to result in adding more points to a negative list (that my chosen metaphor is about lists and that I am in the middle of writing lists is an irony of sorts that does not escape me). So do I think time heals all wound. Absolutely not. I think that with time we are given the opportunity to practice investing in perspectives that are not the wound and thereby limiting their ability to interfere with our experience of the benevolence of the universe.

7. It Happens in God’s Time

I am regularly a fan of any idea that sets up a dichotomy between you and some other, external one that intervenes. This includes God’s Will versus My Will-isms. In short, I am not into metaphysics (meaning there is the physical world and then something beyond it). If we are made of the same material as the stars then how could such a division exist? I lean more to Taoist thoughts with an emphasis on the interconnectedness of all things. If there is a God, I am sure that this God resides in me as well as all around me.  However, I have seen the metaphysical/fate paradigm generate a pleasing result for those who subscribe. Therefore, keeping to my non-veracity criteria, I support it! As with all expressions rooted in the idea of fate, I see how they can generate a sense of peaceful acceptance in times of turmoil, so have at it. But never ever use a “it wasn’t meant to be” as a cover up for not doing the work. Writing your dissertation is not going to happen in God’s time. Making a decision to stop complaining about you life and foster a better attitude is not going to happen in God’s time. It’s going to happen when you do it! Remember what my hero Joe Strummer said, “The way you get a better world is, you don't put up with substandard anything.'' 

7.    Ask and you shall receive

Yup, so true. You can not expect to get what you want if you don’t ask for it. Remember, people are busy thinking about themselves. They are not thinking about you. They are not wondering what you really need or want. But if they value their relationship with you, they will be more than happy to hear you out. If they are not, and favor defensive posturing, then the breakdown of your relationship is on them. But it is fantastic to articulate your needs and be unattached to the outcome, meaning if they are unable to accommodate, it is simply then your turn to make another decision. I asked for a fifteen thousand dollar raise last year and was told no. And I thought about it for a half of a second before I decided I would stay at my job anyway. You don’t have to leave a situation if the answer is no. However, it is the metaphysical implications of this one that are a bit trickier, aren’t they? Are they saying that if I ask the Santa Claus-God/universe for what I want, it will be given to me? Maybe so, maybe so. How can I discount the time I cried out  “What the fuck, why am I a housewife living on the North Shore of Oahu? I’m quite sure there is suppose to be something else I am doing with my life.” Then the next day there was a letter asking me to return to grad school. Who gets a letter saying, “Hey you, why don’t you come back to grad school now?” The true mistake would have been if… something something cliché about a gift horse and a mouth. If you ask, and you receive…you better recognize it and follow through! Or else how else are you going to cultivate the manifesting talent? I sold everything I had and went back to school. I have a ton of these stories and so the moral is, yes, I ask. I believe in articulating what I want. I am certain that is crucial to allowing the possibility of it to happen. But I have not gotten everything I have asked for. Does that mean that it will happen “in god time?” or that these things are “my will” and not “gods will?” Does it mean that I have not practiced the law of attraction on that issue enough? Again, how the hell would I know? But what am pretty certain of is that the answer is not to be found in any simplistic totalizing rationality that only seems to apply to everything with the effort of more clichés. So I work towards keeping my mind open, knowing that it is all bigger than my capacity to comprehend, and that it is good.

List #5 Friendship

List #5 Friendship

I will say upfront that I have blown it and blown it badly on most of these points. And it has hurt! And I regret it because I don’t know what is more important than friendship, besides your relationship with yourself. Good friends see you through it all! Invest in them! Invest in more than one! I notice quit a bit that people in their thirties stop making new friends and let other friendships die out in favor of family and career. Don’t let that happen to you! You will probably quit your job at some point and divorce is a strong probability. Friendship will be what is there for you in those times. But only if you do it well and don’t take it for granted. This topic is so important to me that not only is it the longest, but I already know I will add to it and hope you will too.

1.    Keep your commitments. Be on time. Return phone calls. Don’t flake on her for a “better” opportunity. Just don’t be that person. And don’t borrow her stuff and not give it back! If you ruin it, replace it. This all seems so basic. But I know people who have these elements together when it comes to jobs, but then roll over their friends like it is nothing. And this might be acceptable all the way through your early twenties…but be warned!  They are bad habits to lie down. And by your late twenties no one has time for this nonsense. People flake on me one time and then we are pretty much done. And I’m not waiting for you for more than ten minutes. Sorry, but if you read list #4 you know how fabulous I think I am and I really only take time for people who respect that, as I will them.

2.    Drive them to the airport, water their plants, help them move, offer to bring them orange juice when they are sick. Make the time.   If you don’t go out of your way every once and a while for a friend, guess what? You probably aren’t really friends. There are lots of people I adore that I don’t do these things for, they are just wonderful people in my life who I really appreciate. But friendship should be inconvenient once in a while. Mutual need is completely human. And you know what is amazing? It feels good to do things for other people. Yes, yes it does. As long as they aren’t the narcissists described in list #4.

3.    Do not to emphatically support your friend’s negative talk about their boyfriend! Just listen to them vent and say things like, “Oh my god, that must be so annoying!” But do not, DO NOT, start agreeing that you have noticed these bad things too or add additional negative information about him! When she is back in love it will turn in to “Well, you never liked him anyway…” All of a sudden she will see you as an enemy of the relationship. Also, and this is really hard, try not to hate him! Even if he is evil incarnate and you are appalled by how she is being treated, hating him will not help. It will isolate you from her. It is horrifying to watch a friend being mistreated.  But it is also horrifying to be in the middle of a hard situation and feel that your friends are judging you. Instead, resort to platitudes like “I am sure you are going to find your way through this” “you have to do what is right for you.” Just support her process, which is all we can ultimately do for each other anyway. If she asks you point blank, “Should I break up with him?” Try a “Every relationship has its lessons we have to learn, and when you have learned what you are suppose to I’m sure you will be ready to leave.” It is tacitly saying eventually the relationship will end and that he is not the one, but it is also supporting her if she stays. I know this seems lame and cliché, but love is stronger than anger. And if she loves him she will figure out a way to stay waaaaayyyy longer than you think she should. And when they do break up, REMEMBER, it is only their first break up. A first break up is nothing. I don’t start paying attention till around break up number three.  This advice only applies to regular boyfriend assholory. If he is beating her, a serial cheater, pathological liar, doing drugs, or is a criminal, see number 4.

4.    If your friend is with a guy that is beating her, a serial cheater, pathological liar, doing drugs, or is a criminal say to her, “I am so worried about you and I just can not support this relationship. But I support you and will do anything I can to help you get out of this relationship. But until you are ready to do that, let’s agree to not talk about it. It will just hurt our friendship.” She will probably stop hanging out with you. And that is totally fine. While she is in a relationship with someone deeply troubled she is committing herself to being negatively changed. It is a bummer, to say the least. But if she gets out, you will be right there. If she doesn’t, you have saved yourself a lot of heartache and wasted time. This may sound cold. But I think you are on this planet to better yourself and by doing so your example will positively affect others. That is how we can be helpful, be the microcosm of change.  Listening to abuse stories is not helpful to anyone. The only exception I can think of is when someone is unclear that they are being abused. Then defiantly validate that reality for them. “Sweetie, I just want you to know that I consider the behavior you are describing abuse.  Abuse can be so reality warping. I am so worried about you…, etc.” Then head on out. And I will say I do have one friend I am still in contact with who I would say is in an abusive relationship and we have agreed not to talk about it. My hope is that in connecting with the positive, strong aspects of who she is those qualities will be amplified and become the dominant force in her life.

5.    While I advocate a sort of deception when it comes to offering an opinion about your friend’s boyfriends, I am a fan of friendship honesty when it comes to “Do I look fat in these jeans.” Hopefully she is with a man who lies to her as described in Relationship Tips for Men.  So now this is where you come in. TELL HER! If her blouse makes her look fat, say “I’m not sure that shirt flatters your boobs as much as it should.” Be nice, but be honest. EXCEPT for when she cuts off all her hair. When she has made a move that is NOT fixable, find a way to rally behind it. “You are so brave! It really takes strong feature like yours to be able to carry that off.” If it is horrible and she knows it, don’t try and convince her otherwise, but still support, “We can find some color and gel that will make this look work for you, don’t worry!”

6.    When something feels off in your relationship, ask her about it. “Did I do something to upset you?” Again, I know this seems way too easy and obvious. But I spend a lot of time analyzing with my friends the whys about who is cranky with whom. And it seems rare for anyone to take the gentle but direct approach. If she gives you a cold no, then focus your energy elsewhere. It is all on her now. You have done enough. And if she gives you a reason as to why she is upset, well…here comes some more kindergarten wisdom for you:

Say sorry!

We all fall short in life. It isn’t really a big deal. We do the best we can and sometimes it isn’t quit enough. Making a mistake isn’t an indication of a lack of character, but not being able to take responsibility for it and to try and right it is. The other thing about it is, sorry is easy! They do not cost you anything. No one has ever gotten in trouble for saying sorry. It is true that we should always tell the truth, and saying sorry when you are not really sorry does seem a little dishonest. But I think people should error on the side of saying too many sorrys.

Keys to saying sorry:

a.    Look people in the eye and say “I am so sorry. I definitely did not mean to inconvenience/hurt you. What can I do to repair this?” or “I truly apologize. I realize I said I would do something and didn’t live up to it. How can I fix this?” or if it is just a small thing “Oh my gosh…I am really sorry.”
b.    Don’t offer any excuses. If people want to know why you messed up, they will ask. But if you say “Sorry, I hit some traffic” or “Sorry, I didn’t have time” or something like that, it sounds like you are blaming. It sounds like you are not taking responsibility for your behavior. It is better to just be sorry.
c.    After you ask people how you can repair it, follow through on it. It will help your relationship and also help you change yourself. “Sorry” with no change in behavior isn’t really sorry.
d.    DO NOT EVER SAY “I am sorry you feel that way.” Biggest bullshit saying there is. I hate equivocal apologies. Is your ego so brittle that you need to cling to some semblance of being right?
e.    Say sorry when it isn’t even clear in your mind what you are sorry for. Get out of the realm of reason and into the world of emotions.  Just know that this person you love is hurt and needs you to help heal it. On that level don’t you want to? And that isn’t lame. I think we have an American psychobabble driven ideal that tells us we should somehow get over our resentments towards people without them having to do anything to help repair the damage. Needing a sorry from someone in order to move on with your friendship is not a sign of personal weakness. Being unwilling to suck it up and do what is necessary to repair a friendship is.


7.    Don’t be a know-it-all. I was raised by a health food enthusiast and am pretty sure that my mom has informed me of any and all knowledge pertaining to food science for the last thirty years. But who cares? When my friend decides to inform me about the B vitamins in Brewer’s Yeast, something known to me since I was preverbal, I just let them go on with their enthusiasm. And don’t do some slyly competitive nonsense like trying to come back with a fact about the body’s absorption ability when it comes to B vitamins. I hate it when people trade competitive barbs while pretending it is civil conversation! This applies to EVERYTHING! You friend just got turned on to Against Me!? Don’t inform her how awesome their concert was that you went to in 2004. It is not just competitive, but it is condescending as well. A “I love them too!” will suffice.

8.    It is fantastic to find someone who really clicks with you and with whom you have a lot in common with. That is why it may be so surprising when all of a sudden they make a choice you totally disagree with or discover they stand opposite you on some issue. You’re what? Against gay marriage? You are doing what? Moving to Phoenix? Just honor everyone’s path and be glad you are on your own. Don’t decide someone is making a “huge” mistake. How the hell do you know? Their big mistake may be the very decision that leads to the next amazing expansion in their life. One thing is certain; you don’t have a bird’s eye perspective. So shut up and just bless them. If they ask for your opinion on a choice, don’t take it as an opportunity to thrust your agenda. Encourage them to do what feels right for them. Again, THEIR path, not yours. This does not apply to a friend that has decided to become bulimic, start a criminal enterprise, shoot heroin, or live out her gang rape fantasy. In these instances apply “I am so worried for you…”

9.    Can you be friends with straight boys? Is such thing possible? Of course! But here are some guidelines:
a.    If you have a boyfriend and a boy friend, do not discuss your relationship problems to your boy friend to get a “male perspective.” It breads an unnecessary closeness that can be dangerous. Don’t go to him with your emotional downs, your boyfriend should have dibs on being your support. Try and keep that line straight. Guess how confusing it will be when your boyfriend breaks your heart and our boy friend says just the right thing to fix it? Boy friends are for talking to about football.
b.    If you have a boyfriend, don’t spend a lot of one on one time with your boy friend. Be friends in groups, maybe text a little. But one on one time is designed to bread intimacy and may lead to a sudden unforeseen attraction. And by the way, boys don’t usually go out of their way to spend a lot of alone time with female friends who have boyfriends. There is a guy code about that. So if he is not obeying the guy code, he is either in love with you and can’t help himself or doesn’t care about the code. And if he doesn’t care about the code, it might be an indication that there are other moral guidelines he is happy to ignore. It could come back to haunt you.
c.    If you know, YOU KNOW, you would never be attracted to your boy friend, don’t spend one on one time with him EVEN if you do not have a boyfriend. You are leading him on. I don’t care if you “told him.” And if you get to a point where you are fairly certain he IS in love with you, seriously regulate how much interaction you have with him. Have a heart. Don’t have him bring you orange juice when you’re sick because you know he would. That is for your girlfriend to do!
d.    If you are attracted to your boy friend, and you do not have a boyfriend nor does he have a girlfriend, wait for a second, maybe a full month. Make sure it is not a passing chemical thing. And then…DO spend one on one time with him. What are you waiting for? Are you afraid of ruining the “friendship?”  I’m sorry, odds are it will be ruined one day anyway. Probably by either you or him coupling up with other people who are not fond of your closeness. There is not a lot of longevity to intimate male-female friendships. How many thirty-year-old people do you know who talk on a weekly basis with a cross gender friend that they met in college? I can’t think of one. It is worth the risk to go for it!
e.    If you are attracted to a boy friend who has a girlfriend….don’t let him process his relationship issues with you for a “female perspective.” I know it seems helpful. But he has a mother and maybe a sister. You don’t want to be accused of trying to break them up when you end up with him later. That’s right, you know you will. And if you don’t, well, you are going to end up feeling used if you are in love with your friend and are helping him be in love with someone else. And by the way, if he leaves her for you, and you have played by the rules, so what? They were dating! People take dating so seriously these days. I think dating is the time where you are allowed to change your mind, no?

10.    Can you be friends with couples? Yup, you sure can, with one of them. Be friendly with both of them, but know which one of them is your friend. That is the person who gets to have you as their safe sounding board when they are fighting with their mate. They should have the security of knowing you aren’t transmitting that information to the very person they are fighting with in an attempt to “help.” And when they break up? You go with them. And I can not think of a case when tenure isn’t the deciding factor here. Whomever you were friends with first gets to have your allegiance.

11.    Don’t burn out your friends talking about the same thing over and over. Have several friends and spread it around. Write in your journal. Something! You would appreciate the same from your friends, no? But we have to have some tolerance with each other. I had a friend try and call me out about not wanting to hear about my blah blah issue anymore and I had to kindly remind her that we have been talking about her carb addiction for ten years. Life is repetitive and sometimes we have to feign interest in shit we are truly bored with. Provided they are doing the same for you!

12.    What is friendship loyalty? So so much.

a.    If you have two friends that are fighting do you have to choose sides? No, if you are friends with them equally and their fight is stupid. Then you can say to each of them individually, “You are both being stupid and I’m not going to talk to either one of you about it.” In this way you are being loyal to both of them.

b.    If you have two friends and one of them has done something overtly wrong towards the other one (I mean really wrong, stealing boyfriend wrong) I would caution against a passive “That sucks you too are having issues.” That is actually a tacit endorsement of the aggressor even though it sounds fair. It isn’t the truth! They are not having issues! One of them has behaved badly and the other one is understandably hurt and deserves your loyalty. It doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk to the other one. Just tell the aggressor, “Of course we are still friends but I need you to know I don’t like that you hurt so and so.” Then be sure so and so knows you have told the other girl this and that you are appalled by her behavior. I would then be careful not to rub it in your hurt friend when you do have, hopefully limited, contact with the friend who has done wrong. See the thing is, taking sides doesn’t mean that you have to treat the un-choosen side poorly. We can love people and let then know we don’t agree with their behavior. Also, in many instances not taking sides is a sort of psychological violence to the victim. It is like saying, I am your friend, but only if it means I don’t have to stand up for you in hard times and that thing that happened to you, it is kinda your fault anyway, right? If I had a dollar for every bad friend who implied that I somehow brought negativity down on myself instead of just standing by me and saying “They suck!” …. well, I would have more dollars than I care to admit.  If your friends won’t have your back in hard situations then they don’t really have your back at all. My best friends remember the people who have mistreated me and are less forgiving than I am. And I feel the same way about them

c.    If someone has been hurtful to one of your friends and you are not friends with them, don’t ever have anything to do with them. If you are loyal to your friend, you don’t go snuggling up to people who have hurt her. I don’t care that the aggressor never did anything to you. She hurt your friend and that should be enough to disqualify her from the list of potential friends. I don’t care if she is pretty and rich and going to pamper your ass. Loyalty implies sacrifice. If loyalty were easy, everyone would be doing it. Loyalty means doing things that are hard, that are uncomfortable, because you care more about your friend’s feelings than you do your own ease.

d.    If your friend starts engaging in morally questionable behavior (cheating on a boyfriend, experimenting with drugs) yes, you should be loyal to her. Again, you can lovingly let them know you aren’t thrilled with their choice (don’t have that judgmental tone, you aren’t perfect, are you?) and then just keep being a friend. I bet we can all think back on a time when we were being a jerk and aren’t you glad for the people that were willing to be a loving ear? If they are the person of quality you first adored, they will work through it. Probably.

e.    If you suspect your friend’s boyfriend is cheating, say nothing. If you KNOW…well, I suggest going to him. Don’t be emotional and just inform him of what you know, don’t give him a chance to “explain” and just tell him you are in an uncomfortable position and he has 48 hours to truth talk to your friend. Again, loyalty is not for the weak.

13. Be forgiving. If they blow it, and feel bad about it, just love them. But don’t keep being forgiving when they are just “sorry” and do it again later. There are better people around than that.

List #4 People to Spend Your Time With

List #4 People to spend your time with
Who is worth hanging out with? The answer…not everyone!

There are a couple ways that I evaluate people, decide if they are worthy of being in my “inner circle.” These things I generally try and assess in a person early on. It is not like I cut people off if they don’t pass the test. I have lots of people in my life that fall short in one of these areas. However, my close friends, the people that I invest time in and go to when I need support, pass the test with flying colors. People that don’t, I try to be reasonable about my expectations of them. If they have already shown me who they are, then I shouldn’t set myself up to be “surprised” and disappointed by their behavior.

Some of my criteria include:

1. Do they have a mean streak? Do they do things that are deliberately hurtful to others? If they are willing to hurt others, ultimately they will end up being cruel to you. Everybody has a tick, a bit of darkness. But not everybody acts on it in a way that inflicts harms. Note, there is a big difference between someone that assertively stands up for themselves and ends up inadvertently hurting others and someone who aggressively steps on other peoples’ toes (be assertive, don’t be aggressive). It really isn’t everyone who is willing to behave in a way that they know will hurt someone. Some people just go to the gym or watch reality TV and eat pasta when they are angry or depressed. In a sense, I feel bad for the meanies (and work really hard to make sure I don’t become like them). If they are habituated to lashing out, then they will ultimately hurt and drive away the very people they want around. But it isn’t worth it to stick by them and see if you are going to be the exception, or God forbid, if you can help them. Puke. You can’t. And it isn’t your job. It is your job to surround yourself with people who don’t hurt you. There is a great saying, “go where the love is.” And do. Let yourself be drawn to the people who are loving and kind. Unfortunately for me, a lot of my life I would take those kind of relationships for granted and instead spend all my energy on the people that were not nice, then nice, then not nice again. I felt compelled to “stabilize” these relationships, or “work through our issues.” There is no such thing as working through issues with someone who is cruel. Think cliché about tortoise and the scorpion. Think cliché about pearls and swine. 

2. Ask yourself, are they primarily selfish? When you guys talk, do they make sure and take the time to ask about and show interest in your life? Even if they are really smart and funny, if they only talk about themselves then you are better off just being casual friends. These types of narcissists are some of my favorite people! I like talking to them at parties! I like going out to group meals together! Their energy is so focused on themselves and getting others to be focused on them, that they can be highly entertaining. They have polished their act!  However, if you try and include them in your inner circle ultimately you will end up being disappointed that they do not reciprocate the attention you give to them. But remember, 99 percent of the people you meet are NOT going to make it into your inner circle! There is nothing wrong with holding people at an appropriate distance. Some of the people I have enjoyed the most in my life I have had no intimacy with at all. The narcissists (and I mean this in a nonclinical sense of the word) are just tricky because they are so dazzling that you want them close. But it will be a waste of your time. Better off taking that energy and being alone to develop some of your own qualities. A majority of the qualities I have that I like about myself came about by making good use of the time I had when in forced isolation for one reason or another. If I had always been able to surround myself with people, I would have failed in turning myself into my very favorite person in the whole world. And since I now am my very favorite person, I am never bored or lonely. I am always highly entertained by who I am. Does that make me a narcissist? No. Because I am so in love with myself that I don’t need anybody else to be. When I am with other people I don’t need the flattery of their gaze because my own self-referential loop is perfectly pleasing on its’ own. I think this is what the cliché you have to “love yourself” is all about.

3. Are they capable of taking responsibility for their behavior? When they discuss their life, do they blame others for the negative things that happen to them or do they seek out ways to see how they have contributed to the situation? Blamers will have a hard time growing as people because they are not interested in self-reflection, which will end up making them a bad friend. Watch for things like this, when they do something that inconveniences you, do they say sorry and express regret or do they offer excuses? Do they just try and pretend like it didn’t happen? Do they try and turn it around on you? Think about what my hero Joe Strummer said, "When you blame yourself, you learn from it. If you blame someone else, you don't learn nothing, cause hey, it's not your fault, it's his fault, over there."

4. Do they bring out something in yourself that you like? We are not these static beings that remain unaffected by those around us, no matter what the American hype about individuality is. The people we surround ourselves with will amplify certain parts of who we are. One of my favorite quotes is from Aristotle Onassis.  Someone asked him what he would do if he lost his money and he replied, “I would go live in a garage in the richest neighborhood I could find.” He understood that you will acquire what you surround yourself with. If you want to be an artist, have artist friends. If you want to be spiritual, have spiritual friends. And don’t be afraid to have these people be better than you in these areas. Left to your own, your progress will be slow. But if you immerse yourself in what desire to become, it will happen quickly. And that is again why it is so important that you follow tip number 1. Because if you hang out with mean people, you will be mean (applies also to drug addicts, thieves, etc.). Think cliché about don’t hang out in a barbershop if you don’t want a haircut. I know…you think you are stronger than that, we all do. We even think we are being virtuous when we look past these obvious flaws in people to see their vulnerable humanity. Everyone is just being so judgmental and don’t know the real them, right? Well…pull out the picture of me in handcuffs in the back of the NYC police van and know that that was my thought process too. Go find people who when you are in their presence you feel challenged! These are not inner-circle, support friends because they probably aren’t really your peer (maybe they are older then you or you know them only in a professional context).  But go find people that intimidate you with their awesomeness! Go find people that when you are with them, you may feel slightly less than…but when you leave their company you are inspired! And then, when you grow past them, and they fall off their throne, be grateful to them. Don’t be disappointed in who they “really” are.  Don’t feel disappointed because you “thought they were someone else.”  You are only now in a position to see their flawed humanity because they assisted you in your own growth. Have some class and just be appreciative.


5. Are they boring? Don’t hang out with people that bore you. If they are not stimulating in some way, you are better off alone (developing qualities, etc.). It doesn’t mean anything except that you guys are not a match. Don’t be so desperate for company that you squander your time with people whose only real asset is that they are breathing in and out. Don’t hang out with people because you “feel sorry for them.” That is condescending! Let them be alone so they can find people they do match up with. But in a purely social setting, you can still be very, very kind. Being kind is not an invitation for further friendship. It is just being kind. They will not sneak their way into your inner circle just because you take a minute to ask how they are. Still, don’t let that turn into lunch.

List #3 Tips About Your Body

Tips About Your Body

1.    Do not waste a second feeling bad about your body.  Every woman I know looks back and regrets the untold hours wasted in self-loathing. Hopefully at some point the light bulb goes off and you realize that the externals about how your body looks matter far less than how you feel about your body internally. Think about women like Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and Jennifer Lopez…all of who are considered beautiful and all of whom are not a size 2. They embraced their bodies, believed themselves to be beautiful, and the rest of us joined along. Health, confidence, and a sense of “knowing” your own sensuality are what make women beautiful. In moments that you feel genuinely hot, milk it. Compliment yourself in your head. Add a little extra swing to your strut.  You want to make this be your habitual pattern of thought about yourself. If it is, then the vibe you project will have everyone else feeling the same way. And don’t be afraid to feel this way about yourself! Nothing bad will happen to you! I think many women have conflicting thoughts that they are not even aware of. The “I want to be beautiful!” desire is undermined by weird fears of male attention, fellow female rejection, etc. Root out those concerns about all others and work on just feeling fantastic because it simply feels better to feel fantastic!  Plus, you ARE incredibly beautiful, so it is really indulgent to fall into the dark, dishonest pit of self-loathing.

2.    If you do fall into the pit of blackness, probably right when you need to get ready to go somewhere, stop looking in the mirror! Black magic has fallen into it and it is lying to you! Just grab an outfit that is your old standby and leave the house immediately. Call a friend who is going through a bad break up and listen to her whine. Go play with our dog.  Anything to get your mind off of yourself. That horrible place is some vortex of evil and I don’t know a woman alive that doesn’t fall into it from time to time. I am sure it happens to Heidi Klum.  If you allow yourself to hang out there a lot, it will damage the vibe.  Know that what is going on is a lie, don’t believe the lie, and divert your attention from your image until the cloud of doom passes you by. It will happen less and less as you get older.


3.    In the event that people say mean spirited things to you about the way you look, respond with confidence. You don’t have to be mean back. Just if someone mocks, say, your teeth, casually mutter in a tone that makes it clear you are unaffected, “Funny, I have always adored my teeth” and walk away. These people have a six sense about what your insecurities are so they probably won’t target your teeth, making it harder. But that’s what these wounded meanies do. They smell a little fear and poke at it in order to provoke a reaction and feel powerful. If you DID feel bad about you teeth they WOULD choose that. The point is, it has nothing to do with the truth about how you look or what they are picking on and everything to do with the vibe! I mean think about it, don’t you know really big girls who are never teased? They have mastered the vibe.  The wounded meanies will disappear by the time you are 25 or sooner. But if you let them, they can do damage that will stay with you for decades and thus affect the vibe! That is why it is crucial you sheer up your vibration and blow them off but good. Let them know energetically that they are uninvited from depositing their cancer into you.

4.    Find some people who you like how they dress that have a body type similar to yours.  Emulate their choices. If you wear clothes that are flattering, you will feel better about your body and thus help the vibe.  I wasted untold dollars on clothes trying to replicate looks that were not suited to my body type. For some reason I always wanted the type of clothes that looked good on girls with no boobs and that wasn’t me. Unfortunately, it does mean that I have never been able to look the way I have most wanted to (Shane from the L Word?). But better to be in reality about what my body is like and dress in a way that works than to try and mold myself to an image that isn’t really possible.


5.    Women tend to focus in on an aspect of their appearance that they hate. The current incarnation of that for me is my emerging neck wrinkles. However, no one is ever noticing the thing you are thinking about, least of all boys. They are looking at your boobs. It wouldn’t matter if you were flat chested, they would still be looking at your boobs. That is all. Maybe your ass too sometimes. And sure, there are the rare exceptions of boys who are looking at your boobs, ass, and legs. But for the most part the boys are just looking at your boobs and do not care about how flat your stomach is or if you have a little bit of cellulite.

6.    Always have an exercise regiment. Find something you love. But don’t do it for results, do it because it makes you feel good. All the things they say about exercise are true. It fights depression. It makes your skin look better. On and on. For me, it makes me feel more powerful and vital. I just feel better about my body when I am exercising and that translates to an improved vibe, etc. One of my favorite sayings is “Use your Power” (amen Bedica). We have all sorts of different types of power associated with our body. The power of beauty, sexuality, birth, to name only a few. I think exercise helps me be more adept with every facet of my body’s power. Try on a regular basis to push your body past its limits. It will impress you and you will love it more.

List #2 A Relationship Guide for Men

A Relationship Guide for Men... to my future son-in-law

Hey men, I love you. That is why I give you this. I am not trying to beat up on you. I just desperately want to make relationships easier for you. And please…these tips only apply is you are with a healthy female. If she dresses like a tramp, goes to a bar and struts around, then expects you to fight when she gets hit on…well, there are just so many things about that scenario that disqualify her from these tips.

1.    When a woman falls in love with you it is completely. It is like this amazing flower blooming in your direction. All you have to do is water it— just even a little bit— once and a while. If you tend to it, it will bloom and bloom.  But if you leave it alone, it will wilt and became a bitter fruit. How do you water it? Unlike adventure movies, romantic comedies are—in a sense—reality.  Give a girl some freaking flowers—and good ones! (stay away from carnations, daisies are iffy, and roses can be cliché). You can also do things like notice that her car safety inspection is out and go do it for her.  If the division of labor means that she already expects you to do this, then it doesn’t count.  This is where men blow it, doing your part is NOT watering the flower! You have to do something unexpected…but it can be small. What is so sad is that men don’t realize how big the payoff is for even the smallest gesture and end up cheating themselves, and the relationship. This is your real power in the relationship. You water a little and regularly and she will not care if you go out with your friends. She will not care if you want to watch ESPN all day.  She will be loving, loyal, and giving of herself for 27 beautiful days out of the month.

2.    Compliment! God, I feel so silly even having to write any of this! I feel like there is a wave of cultural information telling you the same thing! So why are so many of my male friends immune? Do you think your girl is different? Do you think your relationship is different? It isn’t! Of course you told her she was beautiful in the third week, and month two, and maybe over and over again in the first six months. You are not done now. There is not a debt that needs to be paid and once it is you are in the black. No. You are ALWAYS in the red. And if you stop telling her how beautiful and amazing she is, you are wilting the flower, buddy!

3.    Please refer to my relationship guide for women. Note number two. This is very important. When she is upset most of the time it is a cover, a tip of the iceberg if you will, for something else. If it isn’t, and she is really just only upset that you forgot the blah blah blah, well, if you handle this badly it can be turned into being upset about something else very very easily. So in order to be self protective and protective of the relationship, diffuse the bomb. Do it in the following manner. HER “Do you realize you da da da?” YOU: “Oh my god, babe. I am so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. What can I do to make it up to you?” Do not explain why you blew it. Your “defense” will make you look more guilty. And here is the thing, here is the really big thing to absorb down deep into you bones. IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE RIGHT! This not a game of logic. If you are right on the cover issue, you are not right about the metaphor she has constructed around the cover issue. If there is not yet a metaphor constructed, and you try to offer a defense, she will construct one in which you are wrong. So why bother? Be wrong from the beginning about the small thing, so you circumvent the iceberg that could bring down your titanic. Be wrong, be sorry. All men in long successful relationships know this. The trick is to know that being wrong does not in anyway encroach on your masculinity. Think of it as, I am man enough to be wrong without it affecting my masculinity and therefore I am able to give my girlfriend /wife what she needs and that is manly (something like that). And another key to this, you don’t have to even understand what she is talking about. When she is upset, just be wrong, immediately! You don’t have to know what you are wrong about! Remember, in her mind, you are anyway! She starts to say “Its just that every time…” don’t think! Don’t try to explain! None of it. The time frame is crucial to diffuse the bomb. Train yourself to hear the tone, and then be wrong and be sorry.

4.    Dude, she doesn’t look fat in those jeans! Again with the obvious. My husband has been lying to me consistently for years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some things she just can’t hear from you and hopefully she has a kind friend that tells her the truth. But don’t let that person be you. Her hair looks amazing short. You love the way her body looks pregnant and you don’t even notice the stretch marks. Contact or glasses? She looks beautiful either way. And you LOVE THE WAY HER ASS LOOKS IN THOSE JEANS. Don’t let her trick and lie her way into getting you to validate her insecurities. Never ever. I know my husband is lying, and it may irritate me from time to time when I really do want an honest opinion, but overall, I really appreciate it.  You can’t water the flower when she is in that place, but you sure as hell can wilt it.


5.    There is one proper response when she comes to you with some sort of problem from her day, “Oh my god, babe, I am so sorry that happened to you.” Then maybe an arm around her shoulder, some sort of, dare I say it, “daddy” like physical behavior. She wants empathy. She doesn’t want a solution (de-train yourself from thinking you could be practically helpful here. You’re needed help comes in the form of the nebulous “being there” for her) . She defiantly doesn’t want to hear “well, maybe what he/she was thinking was that…” And never ever ever take the side of the aggressor, even if it’s your mother. You don’t even say something like “You gotta understand, that is just the way blank is, they didn’t mean anything by it.” Maybe a true statement. In the ears of an upset female it sounds like you are making excuses for them. Stick with, “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Then shut up and let her whine. She will fix it in her own way.  If she is complaining about a boss/best friend, do not start hating them for what she is saying. Do not make statements that reinforce that this person sucks. She will make up with them and hold what you said about her very best friend in the whole world against you. How could you even say that about her? You can majorly water the flower in these situations if you do it right, and you can dehydrate it horribly.

6.    When it comes to sex, figure out early on what makes her tick and then know that everything else is subject to change. There will most likely be a basic formula that works for her, but the particulars will have to be ironed out on an as you go basis. Be flexible and have a repertoire at your command. If this is bothersome to you, remember that her cervix is physically in a different place everyday as is her hormonal balance and that might be a little bothersome to her! If she has the maturity to be sensitive and honest enough to know how these shifts affect her desires then you should be happy. You are not with an insecure, immature, dishonest female.  You are with an actual woman in the truest sense of the word, the only kind that you can have a truly authentic sexual journey with. And when it comes to sex? Talk about watering the flower!


7.    One more note on sex, and it sucks. It sucks for her and it sucks for you. Like it or not, the statistics simply are that some jerk has already damaged this woman you are now with. I’m not crazy about the word damaged, but in this instance it is apt. And I don’t even mean, necessarily the horrible rape or incest variety. Even if she bypassed that “norm”, and it is nearly a numerical norm, simply having a female body in this culture has opened her up to a bombardment of leering, comments, physical rejections and on and on. Please let this sad fact do two things for you: 1. Give you some empathy to her whimsy. 2. Motivate you to police your fellow men. It is much more effective to have men self police then to expect women to police male conduct. We have ten different horrible names we call a girl who stands up to a guy who is out of line. We have one for a guy that stands up to an errant male and it is hero.

8.    An additional p.s.s. note on sex. Even though number seven is the realness, your girlfriend/wife totally wants you to throw her up against a wall every once and a while. Don’t let that sensitivity emasculate you. She is a heterosexual female after all. Alan Alda and John Stewart are not sex symbols.

9.    I have to write a disclaimer to number 5 that relates to 7.  There is one time where “I’m so sorry that happened to you” is not enough. In the event that another male is being aggressive with your girlfriend/wife you should at least posture like you are going to do something about it. Asking, “Do you want me to do something about it?” isn’t really good enough. That translates as “I’m not really upset by this but recognize I may be obligated to respond.” Getting immediately out of control is not a great alternative either. Some display of moderate anger and informing her of your plans of a mature intervention are. I know this sucks for you. But it really sucks to be a female that is being bullied as well. Look at this as your chance to be her freaking hero. And it shouldn’t matter if it is your best friend that you need to confront. Fail at this and there is almost no repair. On a very primal level why would we be with a man that doesn’t have our back? Are they going to protect our young? Are they going to fight off rivals? Isn’t this what every Animal Kingdom episode is about? You need to demonstrate a mature version of this animal instinct that need not be violent. But if you aren’t willing to stand up for her? Ouch.

10.    You can debate me on this one, but from what I see, you have two years to propose. You can stay engaged a real long time. But if you want the proposal to be a water the flower moment, you are working with a time frame.  Longer than two years and she begins to think, why hasn’t he proposed?

11.    Support her in all her whims and don’t use logic to explain to her why it won’t work. You are going to start making jewelry? Fantastic! Thinking about writing a book? It will be a best seller! You want to mortgage the house and travel in Madagascar? That sounds so exciting! Let’s look into it! If she has these types of ideas it means she is vibrant, creative, and inspired by life. Don’t be Captain Kill Joy with your “what about the kid’s schooling” and “who is going to make the car payment.” Shut up! You aren’t moving to Madagascar. She is just having a moment, support it and water the freaking flower! And “I didn’t tell you not to do it” is not support and will not be an adequate defense for later on when she is pissed you didn’t support he! And don’t give her permission. She doesn’t need it. Just encourage her. Support her all of her crazy (if she really is bipolar this doesn’t apply). You want to know the truth? If she isn’t having these kinds of thoughts it is probably for two reasons: 1. She is depressed. 2. She is already living in a way that diversely stimulates her physiological needs. That scrapbooking room is not a waste of space (ok, it may be. But you have to let her get to that on her own).

12.    Refer to my relationship guide for females and know that 3, 4 and especially 10 also apply to you. I just geared them to females because I find them frequently to be the culprit in those areas. And make special note of 9 and delete “you are being/acting/are crazy” from something you say.

List # 1 A Relationship Guide for Females

1.    Those five thousand girl movies about the dangers of “losing” yourself in a man are the realness! You are allowed three months to lose yourself in a relationship and then it is back to being full and complete in and of yourself. He is isn’t a complimentary accent to your already fulfilling life, and is instead what makes it seem full, then immediately take some time to invest in your own interests. Stop being so available for him. Go make some art, get pounded by the surf, hike a mountain, hell, put on some loud music and scrub your floor…something consuming enough that you take a break from energetically investing in him. Do this often. And remember, the moment you want to buy tomatoes but don’t because he doesn’t like tomatoes, you have just thrown a piece of your spirit out the window. It seems like a small thing. But one day you will have to go get all of the pieces you have thrown out back. Better to not have thrown them out in the first place. You can be vulnerable without letting your being become a porous mess. Eventually no one, not yourself and not him, will respect the porous mess.

2.    You, being female, will interpret things he does as a metaphor for a larger dynamic. Him forgetting to compliment you, go to the store, the date you set up….whatever… becomes an indication of his loss of interest, his passive aggressive nature, etc.  Decoding this is a fun game to play with your girlfriends, but dangerous as you come to believe these “truths” you have discovered. He will interpret things literally. Him forgetting is simply that, him forgetting. Side step these fights. He will not understand your point! He does not see what the big deal is! Do not lay on him your decoded conspiracy theory. A “Babe, it bummed me out that you forgot…” in a neutral tone will suffice.  Hopefully he is trained in restoration tactics and fixes it promptly. No fight necessary! 


3.    Don’t have seriously relationship discussions after 10 pm.

4.    PMS is real! No relationship discussions for two days prior to your period and the first day of.


5.    If married or living together, consider separate bedrooms. It supports the no discussions after 10pm rule and the goal of individual sovereignty. Plus, you know a good way to not care about his socks on the floor? Don’t have that floor be your bedroom.

6.    Speaking of socks, don’t do his laundry. Early on when you are in love, you want to do everything for him don’t you?  I bet you want to make lunch for him and bring it to his work, don’t you?  Well, don’t. Chances are he works and you work. It is too easy to, out of the amazing gift of female love, fall into a foundational arrangement of taking on more than your share of the housework. It will be a hard pattern to break later on.  And men are not bad for letting you do this for them, don’t demonize them once the glow has faded and you are in desperate need of help. You did this to you. You just didn’t care when you were mixing the cement and pouring it into the scaffolding. 


7.    Here is my mother’s sex talk to me, sum total one sentence.  “The only reason you should ever have sex is because you want to.” Period. This is the worst way you can throw a bit of you spirit out the window. And if you are with this otherwise great guy, but in this area he seems to think it if fine to require/guilt you to be sexual when you don’t feel like it…smack this tendency down immediately. If he has the audacity to persist…see ya later. And at least you will have made a stand for the next girl.  Can you imagine what type of training we could accomplish if we all worked together?  Also, this is another excellent reason to have separate bedrooms. He can go enjoy his own self.

8.    Another note on sex…after the “in love” thing fades away. There is basically one thing that is different between the way you love him and the way you love, say, your best friend.  That one thing is sex. Just don’t bother being with someone whom the sex is not great with and for whom you are not very attracted to. At one very rough point in my marriage an old wise man told my husband “Have lots of sex! It is how you find your way back to each other.” That I think husband is hot, even when I don’t like him…it goes a long way. While you can’t build a relationship on sex, I’m not sure you can have a great relationship without great sex. It is called a sexually relationship for a reason. And, the good ones are trainable.  So if you give up prior to a real “getting to know you” effort, the blame is on you. If he is not interested in being informed on how you tick (mandatory you know this information about your own self) then move on. Move on before you find yourself forty, boobs in your armpits, staring at the ceiling, bored out of you mind.


9.    If a guy uses a “your crazy!” tactic in fighting with you, don’t put up with it. It is an old, mean, boy trick to try and get females to doubt their reality.  Your intuition is amazing and doing it the disservice of not trusting it will harm your ability to use this six sense, your most valuable asset. That said, don’t lead with your freaking chin. If you are upset, sleep on it (cuz you have your own bed), make sure you still care about the issue in the morning, and then address it in a non-hysterical way. Did you know the root word of hysterical is hyster, Latin for uterus (think hysterectomy). The word was invented to discredit woman. In this culture, things are heard better if not seeped in emotion.

10.    Use kind words. Do you ever watch happily married couples that have been together forever? They speak very kindly to each other. They praise each other in public and don’t speak ill of each other in mixed company. “Dear, can you be an angel and pass the salt.” The “dear” and the “angel” might be the difference between keeping the love going or not. Husband starting talking to me this way around year 9. “Baby, do you know how sometimes you don’t really see the parking space because of you eyesight? I think you parked in our neighbor’s spot,” in soft, sweet, tones does nothing to dampen our love. A sharp “You gotta go move your car” does. Words have power and you can use them to strengthen your bond in even the most banal, everyday interactions. Or to diminish it. Do you hear that gooey baby talk that Khloe Kardashian uses to talk to Lamar? She might be a genius.

11.    Learn to watch football, or something equivalent. Have a common point of excitement between you, hopefully several.  And football is fantastic! My point in this is that you can cultivate common interests. You don't have to surrender to "we have nothing in common." People change over the years, so constantly being able to change together and having the flexibility to adapt to new interests is a fantastic interests. I genuinely believe my husband likes going to museums now and I have a fantasy league and bookie. And then also stand back and observe the rule of autonomy. 


12.    Your boyfriend/husband is not your best friend. That is just something cutesy that people say. You need far more talk/processing than your boyfriend/husband is interested in. Don’t set yourself up for feeling rejected by constantly trying to get him to respond to you like a girl. And on a side note, doesn’t over process your stuff. My rule is when I have a problem I get to talk to three of my girlfriends and then I shut up about it, and my husband is not one of those three (if he asks, of course I’ll tell him anything) You are just making it more and more of a concrete problem in your life if you keep bringing it back up. After talking to three of your closest, most helpful friends (or two and your mother, as I do frequently), it crosses the line from being helpful into gossip and making a mountain out of what is probably a mole hill.